Eat my brains … Quizmasters … Questions … Gynaecomastia … Scotland, all the way to victory … Mmmmm... we love latkes … Mr Dr … Quizmasters … Dr. Punctual rides again … The Rufus Smalls memorial team … Vera, Chuck and Dave … It’s Pluto you moron … Hoovering the badger … Ferrero Roger is late … Quizmasters … Questions … Barça beat the bastards … Two pints of lager and a packet of Polonium-210 … Quizmasters … Questions … Debbie Does Dallas … Washing the worm … Spiders on crack … Quizmasters … Questions … The Evil Patricks … Mr Imzamam, in the hotel room, with the cricket bat … Quite funny in parts … Campaign to run next year’s boat race on the Shatt al-Arab … Waiting for Gordo … Our food from last week still hasn’t arrived … Smoke me a clipper, I’ll be back for breakfast … Quizmasters … thelondonpaper – London’s finest free newspaper … Pope Tony I … The triple-breasted whores of Eroticon 6 … Only here for the snowball … Quizmasters … Two pints of espresso and a packet of crisps … Guns don’t kill people, extreme quantities of cheeseburgers and amphetamines kill people … Guns don’t kill people, Prince Philip kills people (allegedly) … Gordon Brown gives us a general erection … Prince Philip, in the tunnel, with the white Fiat … Sod the old git, bring back the ginger pisshead … Quizmasters … Offensive and against all sense of British decency … Barry George doesn’t kill people, guns kill people … Two thirds of the team is operating on Bolivarian time … More evil than Evil Patrick … The American people don’t choose the president, Chuck Norris does … In the lead at this stage… … Quizmasters … Paxman’s dangly bits … When Tottenham play Chelsea, wouldn’t it be nice if they could both lose? … The Administrators of Gretna … The copper nanotubes … The forgotten team name #1 … The forgotten team name #2 … Quizmasters … We only confess after 43 days in detention … Munster, Leinster and Connacht now also say no … Roger is later than Gordon Brown is useless … Morgan Freeman’s deep impact … Leaving on a midnight tank to Georgia … Greetings! We are representatives of the estate of the late President Levy Mwanawasa of Zambia, and we have an interesting business proposal for you … In a world without Don Lafontaine… … Sarah Palin’s three Bristols … A new record for Roger … Harry Potter and the Kidney Stone … We’re all doomed? … Two pints of Katona blubber and a packet of Iceland crisps … Quizmasters … Give us full marks or we’ll throw our shoes at you – dog! … How can we possibly think of a team name at such short notice on the coldest day of the year? … Prince Harry is a ginger twat, and that’s not discriminatory … Chronic nutmeg psychosis … The winners of the snowball … We still hate Mariani more than we hate Trimble … Quizmasters … Austrians have more genes in common with crabs than with other human beings … The shame of finding out your husband watched ‘Ocean’s 13’… twice … We’re claiming our entry fee back on expenses … UKIP: the coward’s BNP … Katie Price’s Moustache … Quizmasters … Swine flu reaches the Prince of Wales … Crouching woman, hidden cucumber … The 50 year old drug addict paedophile was murdered! … “We didn’t start it” “Yes you did, you invaded Poland” … Quizmasters … Nobody puts Baby in a coffin … Chas and Keisha? … Cream of a crap crop … Moon, Joplin, Hendrix, Cobain, Gately … Bouncing elephantiasis woman destroys central Portsmouth … Sorry for your loss. Yours sincerely, Grodon. … Our performance tonight will be a rubbish pile of shit … Are you trying to corrupt me, Mrs Robinson? … Do we have to do this with the lights on? … We’ve all impregnated our teammates’ exes … The Late Roger … The dead luger’s memorial wall … How could you fucking do this to us? … The unbearable lateness of Wesson … Now we know that David Cameron is not a complete wanker … Corin Deadgrave
Tuesday, May 2nd 2006
It's me, Ivan, Pete and Pete's dad tonight. Pete and Ivan are both avoiding doing any work - Pete for his finals, Ivan for his PhD. I don't have any work to avoid. Pete's dad has done his work.
Round one starts very promisingly. I know that George Bush Intercontinental Airport in in Houston because I passed through there on the way to Central America. Pete's Dad knows that the Royal Engineers and Oxford University are former FA cup winners. Pete knows that the Belgrano survived Pearl Harbour before it was bought by the Argentine Navy, and Ivan knows a few things as well. Pete has a flashy pen to write the answers down but sadly he can't spell. Despite this, when the scores come back we're in joint 1st place.
Round two is not bad as well - we're managing not to talk ourselves out of correct answers like we usually do, and although we drop a few marks we're still joint first.
The beer round consists of five answers linked by a theme. We work out that all the answers are books from the Old Testament, but we only get four out of five, and so we're forced to buy our own drinks before round three begins.
As we feared, round three sees the onset of a slump in form. It's a music-themed round, and it's all about the kinds of music we don't listen to. One of the answers was David Hasselhoff. We've slipped to third, five points off the lead, and we fear we may be flouncing out of the pub in disgust at closing time.
As round four progresses, though, we feel a bit more confident. Pete's dad supplies several inspired answers, saying 'that's the kind of thing you used to learn in the pre-gameboy era'. Ivan insists that Emlyn Hughes used to play for Melchester Rovers - none of us believe him but he looks angry so we put it down. I almost convince myself that Equatorial Guinea is the smallest country in mainland Africa before I see sense and write down Gambia. When the answers are read out, we're astonished to hear that we've scored full marks. Ivan is vindicated and floats about two inches above his chair, radiating smugness.
But the drama's not over - we've caught up but we haven't overtaken, and we're in a tie-break situation for first place. We knew in the previous round that Matthew Parris has run the fastest marathon time for an MP - now we have to guess what it is. I know it's around 2 hours 30 - the others think that's way too fast. I insist. The other team puts 3 hours 4 minutes. The correct answer is 2h32m57s, and I feel almost as smug as Ivan. We walk away with 25 pounds, and even failing yet again to win the snowball doesn't matter too much.